Sorry I didn't any pics on it. A blogger once told me that a post isn't a post with at least a picture on it. But, fuck it. You don't have to read it all. That's why i divided it on sections.
Just got home at 10 pm. Too late to play video games, too late to walk the dog, too late to code. Maybe not late to blog. My dog is with me in my room. He's cute but sometimes he's too needy, Maybe I'm just being an asshole because of what happened these weekend. The bar brawl from Sunday at 2 a.m.. I can't believe that midget motherfucker just knocked me down. I tried to comprehend; but the more I do it, the more I get upset. I was at work, and I think I told my story to everybody, at least 4 or 5 dudes. Not that I wanted, but could I avoid it. My knee hurt pretty bad. I'm a developer, I don't work around too much at my work place. But, I need to drink a lot water, so I need to get up for it. Every step I made, it just hurt me. Everybody got to ask me what happened and I got them tell them. I couldn't get it out of my head.
The Facebook chat group with friends of elementary still wanted to talk about that night we live together. I was just fed up with it. I just wanted for them to let it go. Just one guy from them help me. That's cool in a way, but; I guess I wanted more. I wanted for that fucking midget to suffer. Or go to a prostitute and buy me some pussy for 30 minutes. Sorry if this sounds gross for some of you.
They congratulate me for having our home-girl back and taking a punch to the lip. One of them told I was warrior. I'm not, it wasn't my intention. Just wanted to have a joyful time with my old colleges. See what they are up to now. See if they life were better than mines. Not to size their life with mine, just otherwise. To compare. To look for answers. Finding the missing piece on being happy. I remember that before the incident, we were dancing, singing along with the cheesy songs of the band at the bar. Between that and the alcohol, it didn't matter for a moment what I was looking for. In a way I was free.
But after the incident, I was bitter... salty. But my female college was upset. I wanted for her to feel better, but not for her sake. Otherwise, for mines. I know I'm coming off as a douche bag, right now. It's not her fault that I don't like people crying. It cringes me. It makes me feel out of place. Like I don't have control of things. I just wanted to stay away from her. But I was wired not too be selfish during my time growing up with this dudes that went to elementary school with me. So I decided to hug her, and tell her it wasn't her fault; which is true. But I felt that hug out of place. But, that's me; a pleaser. It's a bless and a course at the same time being this way. I'm working on not to be like that anymore.
We went to get some dawn meal after that. It was 3 a.m. For some reason we all were in a good humor; making jokes about it. But I was just watching my other femme college sideways. Admiring her. Thinking how beautiful and easy going she was. Maybe if these were other times, or maybe if those cunts and their fag sucker puncher dude friends didn't ruin our night, I just might asked her to go out. People saws God speaks to us in many ways. Too bad I don't believe in "Him". Or "Her". Trying to be P.C. right now. Anyway, I decided to pussy out.
One of my friends pay for my meal. I though that was nice. We parted our ways and hope to see each other next year. I'm sincerely do. Even that night was weird for some reason, I had a great time. I want to see what they are up too. Maybe that girl still will be single and I will be in better shape. Maybe she will be more attracted to me. In the meantime I'll go on with my life.
But today, it just felt awful. Like a chain reaction of bad things. When I got knocked down on Sunday, my knees might of bend it in some sort of weird way. I got up, my knee hurts like a motherfucker. For some stupid reason I haven't gone to the hospital. I went last week because my back hurt and they gave me a shot with some pain killer and saline solution. Third world country health care... what you gonna do? So, I decided to take pain killers from the house and didn't work for shit. They are the generic kind.
I got to work, opened my E-mail, checked my reports from these maintenance buildings I'm working on. This build had 13 fucking bugs. The report before this one were only 6. I was about kick some dude in the nuts, but remember...my knee is hurt. When things like these happens, I just take a big breath and tried to deal with the situation like a programming course. I closed four of them bugs my producer closed two. The remaining bugs are spill outs and build configuration issues.
It was 30 minutes for me to leave, so I decided to check other app that I got assign. It had only 3 bugs left. One of the fixes was in other branch so I got to merge the fix revision with mines. I did it, but got some conflicts with the config build file. I decided to fix only conflict line without checking in what the other flags had been changed. I compiled the build, installed it on the device and...surprise! They were two same apps in the device. Since this is a maintenance build, which means an update; that was wrong. The new build were suppose to override the last build. Some flags might had changed the package name. I cleaned up my branch in order to revert the changes in the config file. My guess I was about to redo the merge, but it was almost 9 pm and I wanted to home to check on my dog.
I drove to the gas station to "fill up" my tank. Then I went to the drive thru of the station service store to get a cold can of Coke Zero. While waiting, I was thinking I should write a Cyber Punk book just for the fuck-of-bit. Inspired on my home town personalities with a bunch of Sci-Fi stuff. A "what-if" kind of book. A futuristic version of my city. A fantasy were people are oppressed by the corrupt authorities, but the people will rise up against them. People, think a revolution is easy. They want everything to be easy. It sickens me.
Anyway... then I though, first I should blog a while to warm up. But this was too personal, I didn't wanted to do it in my Blogspot where everybody knows who I am. Fucking Social Networks. If I only knew before I was socially awkward, I would never sign for them in the first place. I'll try to mask or deal with my awkwardness by talking to people on face to face. Making a routine. Maybe, this is the reason why I sign up here. Nobody knows me, personally. And I refuse to go to psychologist.
A friend gave me the advice to go to psycologist last year when my pops died. She told me her experience; and at that time, she convinced me. I didn't want to whine with my friends on about how I missed my dad and such. My mom divorced him when I was nine, but she told me if I wanted to talk about it with her, I should approach without a doubt. But she just got remarried, I didn't wanted to bother her, she already has done a lot for me. My sister wasn't an option, she hated him. My dad was her step-dad and they didn't get along. What you gonna do? His side of the family, well... since he died they seem very manipulative so I just gonna stay away from them for a while. But my old man was a cool dude. Even with all his mistakes he made, he was kind and joyful. But at the end, he seem lonely and melancholic. All his sisters and brother passed away. And he lived with a very manipulative hypochondriac cousin. She is the reason I want to stay away from them. I'm sorry for my other two cousins. But they have their own life, they should not be worried about me. I bet grandma told her to took care of my cousin on her deathbed. I hated her for so much time. Sometimes thinking about her it makes my head aches. If my mom asks for weird shit in her deadbed, I would be like "fucking nooo".
Anyway, I refused to go the psychologist because they seem very forced out. They try to make you things you don't want to do. Face your fears, vent your frustrations. With your family, friends. Hugging, crying. Ugh. What a drag. I'm on my thirties now. I want to enjoy life, not to do homework. I've been studying and working my whole life. The same reason I decline to join a compulsive eaters meeting. My mom's idea. Seem like a good one at the time, but the I thought...
Sitting in a circle chair, talking about personal shit and listen to others people misery. That was going to make me more depressed. Helping groups... not my style neither.
I just need it to tell some of my friends "today I don't want to go out for a drink". Or just look at the mirror without a tee, point the finger at my reflection and say "look you fat fuck, keep it up like this and you're going to die young, alone and hideous. No girl is gonna cuddle with you looking like that. The science already told you. The doctor already told you. The anti-fat-fucks TV spots already told you. Just go outside, take some fresh air, drink more water and walk. Put more veggie to your meals and less salt. Stay away from the prostitutes for a while. You cannot side fuck a girl if you got fat on your thighs".
It's sad when you punch the clock out and go outside to see that is already night, dark and cold. Like today. And then the Whatapps, and the Messengers and the rest of Mainstream Social Networks. Everybody is married, having babies, getting fat. Asking you when you gonna go the same route. Every time that shit bugs, I start to think on my single no kids cousin. Shit man! After the dawn meal with my old friends, I went to see if cousins were still woke up and partying. Two of them were. One is lady in her forties and the other one is almost in his fifties (the single one with no kids). He drinks every weekend, barbecues, no steady job. I envy that dude. He gets to do what he wants. When I feel like I'm stuck in life, I just started to remember him. On how he deals with his situation. He owns it. But that day, he kind of had a meltdown. He was telling us he feels like he got nothing in life. He said to us "my life is define by elementary school, high school, college, work and that's it. Like I wasted it". I'm not good reading at people feelings, but I assumed he felt lonely. I related to that. I told him that if he needs anything he can call me at anytime. If he got sick, or he felt he got nobody to talk with, if he was in trouble indeed. I really love that dude (no homo). While growing up, he lived with us when he was in college. He showed my first computer. Hell, if it was for him, I would not been working coding apps right. He started to smile and changed the subject. He calmed down a little bit. That's how we are. Try to move on the faster we can. We talk a litttle bit more and I gave him a r ide home. He's always on a bike, but his tires got flat. It was 5 a.m. Damn I got a long night.
I wasn't expecting any of it.
And my other cousin I love her too. But when she's drunk, she's needy. hehehe. too needy. I mean, she started to talk about my dad and my sister. All told me that everything is going to be fine no matter what. At some point of the conversation I asked nicely them to stop. Change subject, just got mush on the lip. Hate having those emotional moments and start to cry over some shit. I understand she's trying to see how I'm doing. But she gotta give a little credit. We have an aunt like that. The that one loves everybody in the family. She will never said no to anyone on the family. You can say my aunt is the back bone of the family. I want to take I guess and say my lady cousin wants to be like that. She always remains me that I'm her little baby cousin. Which I am. But come on man, not every gathering. hehehe. I get embarrassed. My dad was also the baby brother and cousin in his family.
I'm just waiting for Mr Robot to start. Me and my dude cousin wanted to start this tradition with TV shows. To watch the beginning of a new season and the season finale with a cold "caguama" (a 40 oz I think Americans call it), some "carne asada" and maybe some weed.
PART IV. THE CONCLUSION
It's almost 2 am. House MD re-runs is about to start. I'm gonna sleep to it. My dog is in my bed sleeping. I don't want to wake it up. I'll go to the my mom's room to sleep. She's on vacation anyway.
This blog has been a wonderful experience. I feel a little bit better now. I'm going to punch the clock-in a little bit late tomorrow. Who gives a fuck about them deadlines? I'll do my best from 10 to 8. If the company don't like it, fuck it.
Today's valentines day. There going to be chocolate muffins at work. The Costco kind. Hope to talk to some lady just for the LOLs.
See ya next time.